The Day I Truly Came Home: A 4/4 Portal Journey of Fearless Remembrance

I woke on the morning of April 4th, carrying the weight of a disturbing dream, a dream that shook me, confused me, left me exhausted and deeply unsettled. At first, I didn’t understand it. But later, I realized — it was a shadow purging dream — my soul, in its deep cleansing, clearing out old densities and toxic masculine energy, fear-based programming, and distorted power dynamics that had haunted my feminine lineage for lifetimes.

The aftermath was heavy. My energy felt depleted. In the car, after dropping my mom off at work, my eyes caught the notification on my calendar: Visit Vajrapani Institute.

I hesitated. Fatigue draped over me like a cloud.

Doubt whispered: You’re too tired. The mountain road is too treacherous. What if you get lost? What if it’s too much alone?

But deep within, a quieter, wiser voice rose: Go. It’s not about the destination. This is your ritual, your initiation, your portal.

So, I listened.

The route to Vajrapani Institute was winding, unfamiliar, carved through dense forest and mountains. Normally, my husband would take the wheel on such journeys. I had unconsciously always relied on him or someone else to lead me, to protect me, to navigate the unknown.

This, I realized, was the very threshold I was meant to cross. It wasn’t just a physical mountain road — it was the winding path through my inner terrain, from fear into sovereignty. I remembered the patterns that had held me captive for so long: the inherited fears of the feminine, the waiting for others to lead, the shrinking of my power, the codependency on external validation.

Not today.

The 4/4 portal was wide open, inviting me to step through as a free woman.

I gripped the steering wheel and whispered, "I am ready." As I drove deeper into the forest, a deep fear surfaced. The path narrowed to a single lane, thick pine trees closing in around me. My logical mind screamed: Turn back! The rains from 2 days ago could have loosened rocks, what if there’s a landslide?

With my heart pulsing and my breath steadying, I told myself:

"This is home. Why am I afraid of home?" And with that, I crossed an invisible veil.

My inner child — wild, fearless, joyful — returned to me like a rushing tide.

I remembered a little girl in Vietnam who, at eight years old, rode on a wild water ride with no seatbelt, laughing through steep plunges, while her great-aunt panicked below. She was with me now, alive and radiant. Her eyes open wide in wonder, her spirit untamed.

That joy, that untamed spirit, burst forth within me. I became the driver of my destiny.

I rolled down the windows, feeling the cool breeze of the ancient forest brush my skin. Giant pines lined the road like ancient guardians. The scent of moss, pine, and earth filled my senses, whispering Welcome home, daughter of the Earth. I breathed deeply and prayed to Archangel Michael for protection. Spirit was with me — I felt them in every tree, every curve of the road. I felt my dad's and best-friend's presence there, having fun with me, rooting for me. The sun sliced through the trees in luminous beams, cascading rainbow light codes right into my field.

The deeper I drove, the more alive I felt. My body awakened to the wild beauty around me: moss-covered trunks, emerald ferns that felt both ancient and otherworldly, the songs of countless birds guiding my way. The mountain creeks gurgled in celebration.

I laughed out loud into tears.

This was not fear. This was freedom.

This was not just a drive.

This was a crossing of lifetimes...

The gate at Vajrapani welcomed me like an ancient friend. I arrived safely, the only guest there. Vajrapani, Bodhisattva of power and protector of wisdom, stood energetically at the entrance, granting me a spiritual permission slip — permission to embody my own authority of light. At the gate, the trees themselves seemed to bow in acknowledgment. Spirit whispered: You walked yourself home.

As I entered the grounds, I felt a sacred silence, as though the land recognized my arrival. The synchronicity was undeniable. I walked barefoot to the prayer wheel and spun it three times, sending love and prayers to all beings, past and present. I marveled at the purest union of shadow and light in nature itself — the moss embracing the pine trees, coexisting in such sacred harmony.

The sunlight beamed directly over me, weaving rainbow threads into my crown chakra. I saw the codes, felt them anchor into my field like divine embroidery — blessings from the Central Sun, illuminating my sovereign self.

My natural smile emerged. It felt effortless.

For the first time in a long time, I didn’t seek approval or guidance from anyone outside of me. I simply was.

While sitting at the hilltop overlooking the dense pine forest beneath, I encountered a lone wild turkey — a symbol of abundance, gratitude, and connection to the Earth. We shared a silent, telepathic acknowledgment of each other's existence. I wandered to the Buddha statue. The presence was not just symbolic — it was real, alive. In that moment, I wasn’t a visitor standing beside wisdom. I was embodying wisdom itself. Spirit said: You are not merely visiting sacred places anymore. You are becoming the living sanctuary.

Further along, the towering twin redwoods stood like ancient guardians — one masculine, one feminine — balanced and rooted deeply in the earth. They felt like witnesses to my inner reunion. Spirit whispered: Your polarity is balancing. You rise together now. And then, the white stupa gleamed in the sunlight — a beacon of purity, sacred geometry, and cosmic balance. As I stood before it, I felt an energetic recalibration. Spirit sealed my intentions into the vaults of the divine. My life path aligned more precisely with my soul mission.

Then, I wandered deeper into the forest, off the beaten path. It was something my old self would never do alone. I grounded myself through the living moss, listening to the crystal-clear melodies of the creek. I felt the codes of remembrance activating in my bones. I felt the sacred aloneless, the oneness, the divinity that Osho passionately spoke about. When I placed my hand on the moss-covered tree, I felt a direct transmission from Gaia. Ancient wisdom flooded through my palm and into my energy body. The moss, the ancient forests, the flowing creeks — they were all living records of Earth’s memory, now shared with me.

As I breathed in the pristine mountain air, I had a satori moment: this was the true forest bathing my soul longed for. Just the day before, I had attended a "forest bathing" guided tour at a pristine Japanese garden. I had paid for it, hoping to learn about the practice. But I left feeling disappointed, unfulfilled. There was no depth, no authentic connection. It felt performative, like a role I was playing rather than an experience I was living.

Now I understood.

That guided tour was a mirror of my old self: dependent on external authorities to show me the way, expecting wisdom from outside of me, seeking validation. But this day, in the raw embrace of Vajrapani, I was truly forest bathing — wild and free, not by instruction, but by intuition. Not seeking external validation, but allowing Spirit to guide me organically. Here, in this sacred communion with wild nature, I bathed in my own radiance. I became my own guide. I was the forest, I was the river, I was the prayer.

Later that day, in divine orchestration, I attended a community Reiki session that Spirit had perfectly arranged. The triple goddess energy surrounded me, women who welcomed me with open hearts, with no judgment, only warmth. My old pattern of feeling unworthy to receive flickered in my mind, but I caught it, gently. Spirit whispered: "Learn to receive, beloved. You are so deserving of this."

As I lay on the healing table, their hands flowed over me, weaving light through my energy centers, especially my heart chakra — where grief from my father’s passing and past trauma still lingered like shadowed residue. I felt their warm, loving energy as they untangled blockages.

At the end of the session, they offered me messages:

1. Throat Chakra Blockage:

   Spirit clarifies: You are still telling yourself old stories of unworthiness, of needing permission to speak your truth. Release these self-imposed bindings. Speak as the Divine Feminine Sovereign you are. Declare your truth boldly now. Sing your soul's song into existence.

2. Laugh Until You Cry, Then Cry Until You Dance:

   Spirit smiles here: Your inner child is awake and wants to play! Joy is your medicine. Let your laughter rise like a healing river. Let your tears flow like sacred release. Then dance your liberation into the earth and sky.

3. Expand Your Connection — Wifi vs. Cloud:

   Spirit explains: Your connection to Source is not limited. You are ready to move beyond “Wifi” — local, familiar energies — and ascend into the "Cloud" — the infinite web of higher consciousness. Trust your ability to tap into universal intelligence, no matter where you are.

   
   

As I closed my eyes in gratitude, I felt the presence of the feminine collective healing within me. The mistrust of sisterhood, once deeply ingrained, melted away. I saw the truth: there are women out there — healers, guides, sisters — who love, support, and uplift one another. And I am one of them.

I left that day feeling whole. More than whole. I felt remembered. Not remembered by the world, but by myself. This was the crossing of the threshold into my true power as a Divine Feminine Sovereign. This was the real forest bathing — bathing in my own essence, my own power, my own connection to Gaia and the cosmos. And this was just the beginning.

I spotted 222 on a license plate as I drove out of the parking lot. Unreal...

This is my offering to you, beloved souls. May my journey remind you of the power already living within your bones, waiting to be awakened. You are the portal. You are the light bearer. When you walk yourself home, the gates were never locked.

With infinite love and remembrance,

Solarys 🌿✨