Returning to My Root: Healing the Earliest Wound

I recently uncovered something tender from the beginning of my life—a subconscious imprint that I had carried without knowing.

I was potty trained at three months old.

Yes, three months. My mother, overwhelmed and navigating postpartum alone, would make a hissing sound, and I was expected to urinate on command. This was not uncommon in some traditional practices, and I know in my heart that my mother did not mean harm. She was doing the best she could with the knowledge and support she had. She was a young, single mother, likely exhausted and trying to find any way to manage the load of parenting on her own.

This post is not about blame. It’s about understanding—and healing.

This wound didn’t reveal itself all at once. Spirit brought it to me in pieces—moments of disproportionate frustration when my own children made small messes or had bodily accidents. I found myself reacting in ways that surprised me, with an intensity that felt beyond the moment. These emotional bursts became more frequent during eclipse seasons and powerful cosmic shifts—times when old wounds rise to the surface, demanding to be seen.

The full understanding came to me one quiet afternoon, while I was barefoot in my garden, surrounded by birdsong and the hush of the wind. In that stillness, I felt my body speak to me. I saw flashes of this earliest imprint—my body, trained to respond to a cue, not my own urge. I wept.

Looking back, I see how this early experience may have shaped the way I related to my body and the world. As an infant, I learned to perform before I could even speak. My needs, my timing, and my natural bodily rhythms were overwritten by someone else's signal. And so began my subconscious training in perfectionism, people-pleasing, and control. I grew up feeling I had to "do it right" to be accepted, to be safe, to be loved.

These patterns also revealed themselves in self-sabotaging tendencies. A deep inner belief that I had to earn rest, love, or joy—otherwise, I didn't deserve them. I would unconsciously create stress or chaos just when things were going well. Why? Because some part of me still believed that safety meant control. That freedom was risky. That I needed to perform to be enough.

As I deepened my healing journey, I began to recognize that many of my adult patterns—the fear of letting go, the discomfort with surrender, the disconnection from my body—were deeply rooted in my earliest days. This kind of early conditioning often affects our root chakra — the energetic center responsible for safety, belonging, and trust in the world. And mine felt blocked for as long as I can remember.

I’ve also come to understand that my heart chakra—the center of unconditional love, compassion, and emotional expression—was impacted as well. When I felt like I had to earn love through obedience or perfection, a part of my heart began to shut down. Over time, I developed a subconscious belief that I was only lovable if I was “good enough.”

Finding My Way Back to the Body

The healing didn’t begin all at once. It unfolded slowly, through whispers and intuitive nudges. I began practicing somatic trauma-informed yoga, not just to stretch or strengthen my body, but to feel it again. To give it permission to speak. I lay in supported poses and wept without knowing why. I learned to breathe into my hips, to ground into the earth beneath me, to give myself the safety I never had as a baby.

Breathwork helped me release the control I had always clung to. Conscious, connected breathing became a sacred tool—not to perform, not to be "good," but simply to exist and let my body guide me.

Sound healing brought resonance into places that felt frozen. I began working with chanting, chakra tuning forks, and crystal bowls focused on the root chakra and heart chakra. The low, grounding tones began to melt the numbness, the rigidity, the fear. I visualized roots growing from my feet deep into the core of the Earth, whispering to my nervous system, "You are safe now."

I started to believe it.

Heart Chakra Healing Practices that supported me:

Using the mantra "YAM" (pronounced like “yum”), the seed sound of the heart chakra
Placing rose quartz over my chest during meditation
Wearing soft pink and green tones, or carrying crystals like rhodochrosite, emerald, and jade
Speaking affirmations like: "I am worthy of love." "It is safe to open my heart."
Practicing self-love rituals, such as rose petal baths, mirror work, and loving-kindness meditations

A Letter to My Inner Child

Dear little one,

I see you now—tiny, tender, confused. You learned to perform before you learned to crawl. You were asked to be "good" before you knew what it meant to be whole. I am so sorry.

You never deserved to be rushed out of your body’s timing. You never had to earn love by controlling yourself. I know now that you were scared, and I understand why.

But I am here now. And I will never rush you again.

You are safe. You are loved. You can trust your body. You can rest.

With all my heart,

A Ritual for Root Healing

If you resonate with this story, I invite you to create a grounding ritual of your own:

1. Prepare your sacred space – Sit on the ground or lay on a yoga mat. Light a red candle. Place a grounding crystal (like hematite, obsidian, or garnet) at your root chakra.

2. Breathe deeply – Inhale through the nose, exhale through the mouth. Repeat until your body softens.

3. Chant "LAM" – This is the seed sound for the root chakra. Let the vibration move down your spine.

4. Visualize roots – Imagine thick roots growing from your sit bones and feet, anchoring you to the earth.

5. Speak to your inner child – Say out loud or in your heart: "You are safe now. I love you. You are allowed to take up space."

6. Close with gratitude – Thank your body for holding you. Thank the Earth for supporting you.

✨ Download the Healing Ritual Template below.

Emotional Triggers Are Teachers

Just today, I found myself having an emotional outburst when my children spilled something on the freshly mopped floor. In the moment, I felt guilt and disappointment. But instead of shaming myself, I paused. I asked myself, "Where is this coming from?" And in that moment of reflection, I was brought back to this wound.

This is what healing looks like. It’s not always pretty, and it’s certainly not perfect. But it’s real. These emotional flare-ups, especially during cosmic shifts like eclipse seasons, are sacred opportunities. They help us bring the unconscious to light, so we can feel, release, and finally let go.

I want to remind you: your feelings are valid. Don’t push them down. Don’t shame yourself for feeling deeply. Sit with them. Journal. Meditate. Cry. Talk to your inner child. Ask, "What are you trying to tell me?"

The awareness alone is powerful medicine. With love and presence, you will find release.

Breaking the Cycle

What happened to me is not unique. Many people across cultures were conditioned to override their instincts, to perform before they were ready, to silence their truth in order to survive. But we are the ones who are waking up. We are the cycle breakers.

By healing ourselves, we are healing generations before and after us. We’re writing a new story—one where our children grow up knowing they are safe, loved, and allowed to be fully themselves.

If this resonates with you, I see you. I honor your pain. And I celebrate your courage.

We are not broken. We are remembering. And we are returning home.

From my tender heart to yours,

Solarys